Ahh.. After a long, long time, I'm back again.. Feels good. You can choose to partially forget the previous posts, if you like. They don't have very much significance now. It seems the girl I've been talking about has left my life., thought not entirely, but enough to let me go about life normally, have a good time, feel happy, etc.

I should also mention, I already like someone else. A very difficult person, but very, very cute. I really, really like her, even though a relationship looks quite out of place here.

You see, girls are wonderful creatures. They work in many different ways, they can be funny, cute, shrewd, moody and deceptive, all at the same time, which ultimately makes it bloody difficult for any guy.

The beauty of my situation is that the girl in question is unique. In a very nice way, of course. She's shy, pretty, smart (only when she wants to be), and makes me awful coffee now and then. I really like her, and I don't even know why..

Let's see what happens anyways.. though I don't see anything happening in the near future.


Something else I should mention. I've been having thoughts about another friend of mine. She's simply awesome, though I don't know her that well yet. Right now she seems to be one of the sweetest people I've met, and also the least deceptive. I don't know, again, lets see...

Down, down, down

I don't know how it has come to this. It seems I'm being crapped on from all sides. I sincerely feel its true. I don't know how or why. I don't know what I did wrong, but still, my friends tell me I'm being pooped on.

Yes, there are times I do feel that way. I feel I get used.
I feel I'm used because of the work I do, and because of my leniency. My students don't take me seriously, nor do my peers. What do i do? I really don't know.

However, other than this crap, there have been other developments between us. For the worse. I can't stand the thoughts I have daily. I have to get rid of them. What better way to do that than sit for a good 'ol session on the modeler? But no, the problem here is that the modeler isn't always around. It's in my PC. SO when I'm away from my PC, there's nothing productive I can do. Hence, I go ahead and smoke. And everything gets to me at this stage. And the cigarettes keep turning to ash seven at a time. What on fucking earth am I supposed to do about it? And guess what else I've picked up. Alcohol. Big time. This is the third time this week. I got drunk again. What is wrong with me. Where is my best friend? Why can't she pick up her fucking phone? She knows I need support, but then when is she ever going to call/pick up my calls? I don't know. Its fucked up to the greatest extent possible.

And about this girl, I'm beginning to see some very irritating truths about her.
I shall write about them in a bit. Have to have something to eat.

Whirlpool

Lets have a look at what's been happening all this time. I've just been too preoccupied to sit down and type out newer posts. Cannot help it. It is overpowering. The urge to "chill" is overpowering . I got drunk twice in the past week. Uncool. Unnwise.Unme. What can I do? Nothing. All I do other than the occasional 3D shot is a long dose of Vice City. That helps. At least I can take my anger and confusion and frustration out on a couple of sandbox characters, and not real people.

You must be wondering how the scene is otherwise. It is alright. I am actually happy today. This hasn't happened in a long, long time. It is because of her that I am happy. Nothing else, really. I spent some quality time with her. Not much, but enough. I enjoyed her presence, something I cannot do when other people are around her. Especially the 'gang'. I suspected them and I was right. They screwed another guy, and now he's on my side. And don't be mistaken. I dont hate them, I hate what they do for fun, to pass the time. It sickens me.

I just took a break from writing. Another two cigarettes. I enjoyed them.

Ah, so then , back again to what I was saying.
I don't know how I could have been so wrong about them in the beginning. I'd thought I could be frank and open about everything with them, but no, almost all my respect for them is gone.
And, poor thing, she gets pulled into the web without knowing it. Ill have to warn her sometime or the other.

Recovery

I thought much over the past day and a half.
I even told a friend about all that was happening. It is strange. All is so simple, yet so very complex at the same time. I don't know how to resolve it. My mood has improved, however. I am slightly more stable than yesterday, but I still had to have another two cigarettes today. They don't make me sick anymore. They make me forget, even if only for a short while. The frustrating part is that I'll have to remember when I see her again today. Sometimes, a part of me tells me its all just not worth it. I can't help but negate, and that makes me get lost and be indecisive about all other things too. I try to take my mind off all of this by doing a design or two. In fact, I just started one. Its extremely complex, with a hell of a lot of engineering problems. It would sound like a nightmare to any engineering student, but I find it a rather fun problem to work on. It stimulates my mind. It takes my mind off everything else. It is good. But then, I have to stop now and then, and then the nausea comes back. I can't help it.

But then, bother not. I have a few friends, good ones. Others I call acquaintances. These good friends, two of them as of now, are reliable. I can communicate anything to them. I spoke to one of them about the issue at hand. I got answers. Simple, logical ones..

These answers gave me a whole new angle to view my situation from.
She is at a stage where she has a lot of choices. She also has a boyfriend.
A very sticky boyfriend. I figured I was the passing distraction. Guilt and conscience got to her, and now I am ignored. It all makes sense, most of it at least, as I sit here and type, while listening to a Tiesto track.
How nice, methinks, of her to use me.
Use me.

I feel everybody uses me. Everybody sees only the side of me that achieves, designs, thinks. Not the side of me that defines me, not my personality as it is. I am the opposite of some people. They don't have much to offer but themselves as people, whereas I have both things to offer, but almost everyone tends to see only the abilities and aptitude part. That is not how I would like it to be. Not at all. I sometimes feel that even my mentor sees me that way, for we very seldom talk of anything but work. I shall seek more instances to prove this theory wrong with regard to my mentor. As with others, I don't know. It isn't a good feeling at all. I am not involved in group talks most of the time. I am not informed about parties either(not that I'm overly desperate to get to one), but its just nice to know all your colleagues accept you as part of them. This isn't happening. I cant say why either. Maybe it's because I teach. Maybe that's whats creating this rift. I don't know.

It all looks very negative from what I've written, but some parts of my life are going very well indeed. I'm enjoying design, especially two of my principal subjects. My life was perfect with just this much going for me. I had almost no social contact with anybody for a long time before this. It all started when I met her. She changed me. Gave me the confidence to speak, interact, and have fun like everyone else. (By the way, my previous idea of fun was this: to design in 3D nonstop for 16 hours!)

Yet ,the saddest part of it all was when she changed(or did I?).

That changed everything. I now want to go and live in a fucking box, with a little hole for air, and with nothing else but my PC.

As I was telling a friend the other day, I am very self conscious, not physically, but mentally. I dont know why I am so, but I feel it helps me immensely.
I even figured out a productivity curve that goes as productivity versus time versus mental state.
It seems that when I begin to like someone very intensely, my productivity curve plummets during the first week, and then shoots up from the second week onwards. Maybe this is because of the fact that I think of that person a lot during the first week and the once I've got past that stage, it's just a matter of being security, of knowing that that very person is there.

Strangely, when I'm utterly depressed, especially about a person, the productivity curve goes the same for the most part, except that its a little lower during the first week. Its pretty much the same after that, though I cant seem to sustain constant productivity from the second week onwards.

I dont know how exactly all this will help me, but I've put it down anyways.
I have emptied my thoughts on to this page, in the hope that I'll be calm enough to attend college in the next 2 hours and 15 minutes.

Late Nights of Thought

It is late. Very late. I have been up since twelve the previous day. I do not know where my energy comes from. I have not eaten much all day. however. I have smoked. I do not want to smoke. I don't like the taste of raw, harsh nicotine on my tongue and in my mouth. It stings me. Why do I do it in the first place? It makes me feel good. It gives me a slight high. How does that help the situation.? It is Extremely complex, you see. If I am sleepy, I even tend to hallucinate. The other day during the fourth session, I was dozing in a chair, colleagues all around me. The subject wasn't at all boring. It is one of my favorites. I hadn't slept for the past 36 hours. Thats why I was sleepy. But how could I have hallucinated? I don't know; I remember looking over a lava pit, of all things. I don't know what that signifies, but it was undoubtedly scary at that moment. That brought me out of my momentary half-sleep. Maybe it was a movie I saw recently. Yes. It is because of the movie, which wasn't any good at all to begin with. Now that we're on the subject of movies, I have been watching some good ones lately. Some rebellious ones. Angry ones. Insane ones. I like watching such movies because they take away some of my frustration. They help ease the pain. I like them. Harsh, fictional, but real. That is what I want to see. That is what I want to be. I can't be what I want to, at least for now. It is beyond me, transformation.

"Me" is a very fluid concept, you see. It changes as per my requirements. I cannot control it. It controls me. I cannot help it. It is because of this fluidity that I lost what i really did not want to lose, at least at this point of time. Her presence is soothing. I can be myself when she is around. Now that she does not want to be around, what do I do? My system shuts down, I cannot think straight, I can think of nothing but her. I cannot find a reason for this sudden increase in distance. I have not known her very long, but still, this new problem is making a change come about in me. A bad Change.

Introduction

Hello there, fellow bloggers, friends and humans.

This first post's purpose is to establish and support a certain protocol that I wish all of you to follow when going through and interacting with my WeBlog or me.

1. Don't ask me my real name, ever.

2.Comment on, but don't criticize my observations and analyses.

3.If and When i speak of other individuals, do not, for heaven's sake, try to find out who they are.

4.Those who know me, keep my Identity to yourself.

5.Those who wish to be fellow thinkers, prove yourself.