I thought much over the past day and a half.
I even told a friend about all that was happening. It is strange. All is so simple, yet so very complex at the same time. I don't know how to resolve it. My mood has improved, however. I am slightly more stable than yesterday, but I still had to have another two cigarettes today. They don't make me sick anymore. They make me forget, even if only for a short while. The frustrating part is that I'll have to remember when I see her again today. Sometimes, a part of me tells me its all just not worth it. I can't help but negate, and that makes me get lost and be indecisive about all other things too. I try to take my mind off all of this by doing a design or two. In fact, I just started one. Its extremely complex, with a hell of a lot of engineering problems. It would sound like a nightmare to any engineering student, but I find it a rather fun problem to work on. It stimulates my mind. It takes my mind off everything else. It is good. But then, I have to stop now and then, and then the nausea comes back. I can't help it.
But then, bother not. I have a few friends, good ones. Others I call acquaintances. These good friends, two of them as of now, are reliable. I can communicate anything to them. I spoke to one of them about the issue at hand. I got answers. Simple, logical ones..
These answers gave me a whole new angle to view my situation from.
She is at a stage where she has a lot of choices. She also has a boyfriend.
A very sticky boyfriend. I figured I was the passing distraction. Guilt and conscience got to her, and now I am ignored. It all makes sense, most of it at least, as I sit here and type, while listening to a Tiesto track.
How nice, methinks, of her to use me.
Use me.
I feel everybody uses me. Everybody sees only the side of me that achieves, designs, thinks. Not the side of me that defines me, not my personality as it is. I am the opposite of some people. They don't have much to offer but themselves as people, whereas I have both things to offer, but almost everyone tends to see only the abilities and aptitude part. That is not how I would like it to be. Not at all. I sometimes feel that even my mentor sees me that way, for we very seldom talk of anything but work. I shall seek more instances to prove this theory wrong with regard to my mentor. As with others, I don't know. It isn't a good feeling at all. I am not involved in group talks most of the time. I am not informed about parties either(not that I'm overly desperate to get to one), but its just nice to know all your colleagues accept you as part of them. This isn't happening. I cant say why either. Maybe it's because I teach. Maybe that's whats creating this rift. I don't know.
It all looks very negative from what I've written, but some parts of my life are going very well indeed. I'm enjoying design, especially two of my principal subjects. My life was perfect with just this much going for me. I had almost no social contact with anybody for a long time before this. It all started when I met her. She changed me. Gave me the confidence to speak, interact, and have fun like everyone else. (By the way, my previous idea of fun was this: to design in 3D nonstop for 16 hours!)
Yet ,the saddest part of it all was when she changed(or did I?).
That changed everything. I now want to go and live in a fucking box, with a little hole for air, and with nothing else but my PC.
As I was telling a friend the other day, I am very self conscious, not physically, but mentally. I dont know why I am so, but I feel it helps me immensely.
I even figured out a productivity curve that goes as productivity versus time versus mental state.
It seems that when I begin to like someone very intensely, my productivity curve plummets during the first week, and then shoots up from the second week onwards. Maybe this is because of the fact that I think of that person a lot during the first week and the once I've got past that stage, it's just a matter of being security, of knowing that that very person is there.
Strangely, when I'm utterly depressed, especially about a person, the productivity curve goes the same for the most part, except that its a little lower during the first week. Its pretty much the same after that, though I cant seem to sustain constant productivity from the second week onwards.
I dont know how exactly all this will help me, but I've put it down anyways.
I have emptied my thoughts on to this page, in the hope that I'll be calm enough to attend college in the next 2 hours and 15 minutes.
