Down, down, down

I don't know how it has come to this. It seems I'm being crapped on from all sides. I sincerely feel its true. I don't know how or why. I don't know what I did wrong, but still, my friends tell me I'm being pooped on.

Yes, there are times I do feel that way. I feel I get used.
I feel I'm used because of the work I do, and because of my leniency. My students don't take me seriously, nor do my peers. What do i do? I really don't know.

However, other than this crap, there have been other developments between us. For the worse. I can't stand the thoughts I have daily. I have to get rid of them. What better way to do that than sit for a good 'ol session on the modeler? But no, the problem here is that the modeler isn't always around. It's in my PC. SO when I'm away from my PC, there's nothing productive I can do. Hence, I go ahead and smoke. And everything gets to me at this stage. And the cigarettes keep turning to ash seven at a time. What on fucking earth am I supposed to do about it? And guess what else I've picked up. Alcohol. Big time. This is the third time this week. I got drunk again. What is wrong with me. Where is my best friend? Why can't she pick up her fucking phone? She knows I need support, but then when is she ever going to call/pick up my calls? I don't know. Its fucked up to the greatest extent possible.

And about this girl, I'm beginning to see some very irritating truths about her.
I shall write about them in a bit. Have to have something to eat.

Whirlpool

Lets have a look at what's been happening all this time. I've just been too preoccupied to sit down and type out newer posts. Cannot help it. It is overpowering. The urge to "chill" is overpowering . I got drunk twice in the past week. Uncool. Unnwise.Unme. What can I do? Nothing. All I do other than the occasional 3D shot is a long dose of Vice City. That helps. At least I can take my anger and confusion and frustration out on a couple of sandbox characters, and not real people.

You must be wondering how the scene is otherwise. It is alright. I am actually happy today. This hasn't happened in a long, long time. It is because of her that I am happy. Nothing else, really. I spent some quality time with her. Not much, but enough. I enjoyed her presence, something I cannot do when other people are around her. Especially the 'gang'. I suspected them and I was right. They screwed another guy, and now he's on my side. And don't be mistaken. I dont hate them, I hate what they do for fun, to pass the time. It sickens me.

I just took a break from writing. Another two cigarettes. I enjoyed them.

Ah, so then , back again to what I was saying.
I don't know how I could have been so wrong about them in the beginning. I'd thought I could be frank and open about everything with them, but no, almost all my respect for them is gone.
And, poor thing, she gets pulled into the web without knowing it. Ill have to warn her sometime or the other.