Late Nights of Thought

It is late. Very late. I have been up since twelve the previous day. I do not know where my energy comes from. I have not eaten much all day. however. I have smoked. I do not want to smoke. I don't like the taste of raw, harsh nicotine on my tongue and in my mouth. It stings me. Why do I do it in the first place? It makes me feel good. It gives me a slight high. How does that help the situation.? It is Extremely complex, you see. If I am sleepy, I even tend to hallucinate. The other day during the fourth session, I was dozing in a chair, colleagues all around me. The subject wasn't at all boring. It is one of my favorites. I hadn't slept for the past 36 hours. Thats why I was sleepy. But how could I have hallucinated? I don't know; I remember looking over a lava pit, of all things. I don't know what that signifies, but it was undoubtedly scary at that moment. That brought me out of my momentary half-sleep. Maybe it was a movie I saw recently. Yes. It is because of the movie, which wasn't any good at all to begin with. Now that we're on the subject of movies, I have been watching some good ones lately. Some rebellious ones. Angry ones. Insane ones. I like watching such movies because they take away some of my frustration. They help ease the pain. I like them. Harsh, fictional, but real. That is what I want to see. That is what I want to be. I can't be what I want to, at least for now. It is beyond me, transformation.

"Me" is a very fluid concept, you see. It changes as per my requirements. I cannot control it. It controls me. I cannot help it. It is because of this fluidity that I lost what i really did not want to lose, at least at this point of time. Her presence is soothing. I can be myself when she is around. Now that she does not want to be around, what do I do? My system shuts down, I cannot think straight, I can think of nothing but her. I cannot find a reason for this sudden increase in distance. I have not known her very long, but still, this new problem is making a change come about in me. A bad Change.